Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
