did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
