went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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