this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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