i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
