My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
