just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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