I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize