I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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