Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
