SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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