The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
