Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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