I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
there is puke in my bra ... again
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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