i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
