yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
