just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
