woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
