how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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