I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
