i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
