He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
