Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
