So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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