Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
