Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
