Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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