I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
