Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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