He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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