Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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