One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
