just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
