what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
