Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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