I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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