i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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