Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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