so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
