we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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