well I can't set my house on fire every night
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
