I could make wine with my vomit
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
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It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
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Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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