I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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