Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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