not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he was CRYING into my vagina
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
