Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
