I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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