I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
