Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
