I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
