we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
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every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
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When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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