wakey wakey hands off snakey
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
