I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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