Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
