i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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