I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..