ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
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i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
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Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?