Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
