and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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