The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
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Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
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Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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