She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize