if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
