Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he laminated a picture of his dick.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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