Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
